Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
