just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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