The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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