I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
