you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
