it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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