so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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