so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
