Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
