Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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