On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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