I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
