Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
