conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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