i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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