mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
