There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
