"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
