You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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