He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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