My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
