Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
