??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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