what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize