I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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