watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
