How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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