When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
