Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize