I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
