I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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