On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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