I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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