Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize