A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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