im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
