my mouth tastes like poor choices
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
