The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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