i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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