I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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