Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
