She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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