my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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