at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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