I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
