four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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