something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
