Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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