i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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