in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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