I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
