Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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