I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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