Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
