I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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